Ok, a little preface here. So, I have been working on this blog post for over a year and a half. The pictures I'm going to attempt to share (I'm not very good with computers, lol) are almost 2 years old. I have a passion for wanting to inspire and influence girls to love and appreciate their bodies. I have had a long, long journey with this and it's a true calling of mine to change how we perceive "beauty." I want to inspire and encourage women to love themselves and not be influenced by Hollywood, celebrities, society, and the media. But honestly, I have a hard time practicing what I preach. That's why this blog post has been in the works for years. For one, it's so scary to put yourself out there, even if it is something you're passionate about. Second, it's scary to actually admit and put into words things you have gone through. But after today's fire that was lit, all because of one of those damn Kardashians sharing a lollipop appetite suppressant, I'm ready. I'm tired of getting angry and wanting to make a change but then being held back by being scared or uncomfortable about sharing something I'm so passionate about.

Something needs to be done & I'm ready to share my story, my journey, and I hope this makes you feel like you're not alone, and hopefully inspire you to want to share only truth, love, and passion to others (especially other females), and let's really make a difference.

Hi all! I hope all is well! This blog is going to be super personal and I'm excited and honestly, a little scared to write it. This is something I am very passionate about. The majority of my life I wanted to be famous. I wanted to be a fashion designer, the next Vera Wang, a big event planner, a news anchor, a model, a dancer on Broadway, a Rockette. Deep down out of all these careers I wanted to inspire girls. I wanted to inspire girls that they could do whatever they wanted and succeed. But my main goal was I wanted girls & women to love themselves. The older I have gotten the more I realize I do not need to be famous to inspire. That's where my blogging comes in. I don't blog because I think I'm a know-it-all. I blog because I want to share what I know and hopefully help or inspire even just 1 person. Majority of my blog focuses on health, beauty, recipes, beauty foods, beauty products, skincare knowledge, all that good stuff. But, what I also want to write about is something that means so much to me. I have a huge passion for helping us women realize that we are beautiful just the way we are. Every single year I challenge myself to love my body & love who I am. I'm tired of wasting my life feeling fat, uncomfortable with my body, unhappy with how I look, and constantly bashing myself. I literally have done this for over my life. There is so much more to life than worrying about getting that perfect body.

I have been a wide range of body shapes and sizes in my 33 years of living. I was this chubby little girl with glasses growing up. Until around 6th grade I turned into this tall, lanky girl. I even remember instances, at 11 years old, where I would be at church and people would see me, now tall and lanky, and say, "wow! you look totally different from your church directory picture."Or, "man, compared to that picture, you're just going to get better with age." Umm..who says this to an 11 year old? From a very young age I realized looks were tops. And unfortunately looks were all that seemed to matter. I turned into that awkward junior high stage, but really got into ballet, tap, and jazz. Wearing a leotard all the time and being around mirrors REALLY makes you aware of your body. You're in a class with a very wide range of ages as well. I was in my little awkward phase at the time, but just looking up to these older girls in the class and I remember thinking how amazing it would be to look like them one day. I wanted the pretty silky hair, the flawless skin, and their perfect figure. Let's throw in spandex leotards and midriff baring dance recital costumes and that really sent me into a tizzy. We would get our dance costumes and I would stress and cry about how awful I looked in the costume. I was like 12!! How does this happen? Why should any little girl feel like that. I'm not blaming dance. I loved dancing. I think it instilled so much more than a very skewed body image issue. But, for this blog and this subject, it's just what I dealt with. Then I moved into high school. The first few years I was just trying to get by and figure out my way through our giant high school.  I continued dancing and committed to more extracurricular activities, one of which was color guard marching band which included tons of hours of practice and hard work. I really thinned out and turned into a tall, skinny, cute girl. I noticed I got a lot more attention, from everyone. Family members, friends, boys, strangers, family friends, church members, whoever was around would make notice of how pretty I was. (I'm not bragging here, hang with me) It quickly became an obsession to always be the best. And I noticed the more weight I would lose, the more attention I would get. It became a fast way for me to notice that I got the attention a teenager so needs and desires. I could gauge my weight to the attention I was getting. It actually still haunts me to think how sad that is, and how true it actually was.

At around 16, I was battling with constantly picking myself apart and measuring myself up to every other girl around. It literally would consume my entire thought process, and that's awful. At 16 I am feeling the pressures of what you need to look like, what you need to do, and what size you need to be to get attention, and be perfect. I got the fun little homecoming court stuff, and got the attention. But, I still wasn't happy. I was actually worse off than I am now. When I was super skinny, I was obsessed. Every girl that passed me, I judged myself against her. Every food I ate, I counted calories and I would feel myself getting "bigger." I would stare at myself in the mirror in disgust of what I looked like. I would wish I looked different, like a model. I would sit and compare myself to other girls all day. I was desperate to be thin. It took over my life. I remember just worshiping these celebrities and models. I would buy magazines and just study these models. I would dream and wish to look like them. That's all I wanted, and it just makes me sad. I look back at those days, and all I think now is, "wow, you really wasted a lot of youth on wishful, negative thinking." I beat myself up when I didn't need to. I spent my carefree teen years stressing over my body size. I compared myself to everyone, all the time. I based my importance on my pant size. I was supermodel skinny & still wasn't happy. Happiness comes from the inside. (corny I know, but it's true!) Today, when I look back on my teen years, I do have happy memories but my main memories are based on comparison to others, always looking for a reason to justify eating (yikes guys, that's not good), and having this really unrealistic vision of success, beauty, and the purpose of life.

During my teen years I would workout obsessively and eat maybe 1 can of tuna a day. Not good you guys. I obviously had eating disorder issues and some body image issues. I never admitted it for many years. It went on for many, many years. The stress of relationships, college, dealing with getting into the real world outside of school, controlling my eating and my body was the way to cope. Here I am many, many years later still struggling. I don't starve myself. But, I still am so critical of myself. But here I am at 33. I eat well, because it makes me feel great. I don't control, count, or obsess over what I eat. I focus on balance, living life to the fullest, but also taking care of my body. I workout because it makes me feel good and I should utilize my body to its utmost potential. I do what I do because it's good for me and it's about taking care of yourself. I do all the right things (most of the time, I mean a girl's gotta live life and have a drink and some desserts too) but I believe I live a very healthy balanced life. Yet, now I'm 33 and trying to figure out what a "healthy" Andrea is.

I have studied and grown so much about taking care of yourself and eating right, eating clean, etc. But I pick my body apart. I've realized I am picking myself apart but I don't even know what a healthy Andrea is. The majority of my life I have lived in a controlled, obsessed eating mindset that deprived myself of food, I don't even know what a healthy me is! I don't know what a healthy weight is for me. I don't know what a healthy-looking Andrea is. I have had in my mind of my body when I was in highschool and college for so long, I forgot, I wasn't healthy at all at those times. I'm comparing myself to a completely different person from the teenage Andrea. She wasn't healthy, she was lost, and really confused. That teenage Andrea was in a really unhealthy mindset and I don't think anyone should compare themselves to that kind of person. Where I am now, is ok. It's ok to not be stick thin. It's ok to not wear a size 4. It's ok to eat 3 meals a day and meal prep, and eat clean. But it's also ok to enjoy and indulge once in a while.

I am who I am. And this is me, this is how I look, and this is how my body is. I take care of it, I workout. But it's all a balance. It's not forced, or obsessed over. This is just me & I'm doing the best I can. I need to appreciate and love who I am & what I do for myself. I need to focus on the good, and always be grateful for all I have. And that's beautiful. And that's what makes me happy.

Happiness comes from a grateful heart, a kind heart, a heart that's caring,loving. Happiness comes from not comparing yourself to others and realizing we are all completely different and we are all beautiful. I am loving that we are at the point of celebrating plus sized models. It makes me feel so good to know that the definition of beauty is changing in society. I love that magazines are highlighting the beautiful women that scream , "Look at me! I'm not the "norm" and I'm freakin beautiful!" We still do have a long way to go though. I do too. That's why us women gotta stick together and help one another & encourage one another. My age range is tough. We grew up in the time of all these celebrity and models being unrealistically skinny. Not only did we grow up in a very societal idea of what we are supposed to do, be, and look like. We grew up with our older generation having this same mindset. Let's not pass this on. We are on the verge of some major changes in how society views women, beauty, what's "perfect," bodies, health, lifestyle, etc.

We need to continue to share our stories as scary as they may be. We need to stand up for what we believe in. And sometimes we need to call some things out when they're not ok. Because keeping our mouths shut isn't going to help either. The media, society, and unfortunately a lot of our younger generation idolizing celebrities and their lifestyles need to be changed. Celebrities are so disconnected from the real world and the almighty dollar really controls their lives and their decisions. I'm sorry, I'm not going to let that influence me. So let's please not let it influence young eyes. We've got to stop supporting these really unhealthy ideals. It's not okay to suck on a lollipop to suppress your appetite. It's not ok to drink a tea that makes you shit all the time to be skinny. It's not ok to workout multiple times a day to lose your baby weight or to look good for an event, it's not ok to share the carrot sticks and celery you're eating for "lunch" to lose weight. We are putting these ideas in our heads that if we don't workout two times a day, or eat 4 carrots then we feel guilty. There should be absolutely no pressure to fit into a runway sized dress, or to lose baby weight ever!There should be pressure to love yourself and take care of yourself, and put yourself #1.

We shouldn't post gym pics as a punishment or a "ehhh I have to workout because I ate such & such yesterday." We should be working out to take care of ourselves and we should be working out because we can move our bodies and we want to take care of them. But, society has given workouts a very negative persona. We think we do it because we splurge on dinner, or we need to weigh a certain weight by such and such time. This is not ok. We need to take care of ourselves and yes, move and lift weights, and do cardio. But not for punishment, but because we want to take care of ourselves. We shouldn't post food pics of how you're depriving yourself. We should share healthy recipes that are good for us and make us feel good. But not limiting ourselves to raw veggies, and water all day. It makes people that are genuinely trying to take care of themselves or eat better feel like shit when you see a celebrity or anybody on social media eating very little and basically making it sound like this is what you do to look a certain way. That's not ok.

We have to remind ourselves that what we see in pics, on social media, and on tv aren't real. All these images have been touched up more than we can ever imagine. Nobody has flawless, perfect skin. None of these girls asses don't have dimples and cellulite in them. It's just not real. There is a person using software to change how they look, thin things out, lighten & brighten, and smooth. We have to constantly keep reminding ourselves, that's not real. Literally, everything down to that person is not real. Most likely even that celebrity they are photo shopping is so detached from reality, they don't even know who they are anymore. And that's sad & that's not true beauty either.

True beauty are the people who actually have these huge platforms and they're using them to make this world a better place & make a difference. True beauty are the moms out there putting themselves first for once, and wanting to give themselves a workout every once in a while, or a massage, whatever they need to take care of themselves to be better moms. True beauty are women supporting other women. True beauty are people sharing their stories even though it's scary. True beauty is following your passion. True beauty is taking time to figure out who you really are and what your purpose is on this Earth and following it. True beauty is making a difference in the world. True beauty is being kind. True beauty is love. True beauty is out there everywhere, we just have to actually look for it and give that attention. Not this fake beauty that we are distracted by right now.

I did this photo shoot almost 2 years ago with my talented photographer friend Joy. I told her my dreams of inspiring women, putting myself out there to hopefully make them go, "you know what? She doesn't have the body of a super model, but she's putting herself out there & she's doing it. Maybe I should try ...." All I wanted was to share these pics and hopefully inspire others to realize o everyone has a certain body shape or size, and that's ok. You don't have to be a certain size, height, or have a specific look to inspire others. So we took the pics. I received them back. And never shared them because all I did was tear myself apart. I felt like I had grown so much from highschool Andrea, and I went right back there. I went to ripping myself apart, comparison, jealousy, and feeling really stupid for even thinking I could make a difference. And guess what? I didn't do anything about it, so I really didn't make a difference. I just kept going, still with a dream, but not with any motivation.

Well let's fast forward to present time and I've done another photoshoot and with some major pep-talking from my sweet friend Joy. I'm putting myself out there. I'm doing this and I'm going to make a difference. I do not want anybody who gets on my blog or my instagram to feel like they're not good enough, ever. We're getting real and vulnerable here from now on. It's about being real, and being scared, but also putting yourself out there to really bring awareness and make a change. So the pics on this blog are the ones from almost 2 years ago. Joy did a fantastic job taking the pics and I am so grateful and thankful for strong, beautiful friends like her. It's time to put myself out there and let's make a difference. More to come gals!